I’m a survivor of multigravidas (that’s multiple pregnancies – full term). Its something that I take pride in; not only in the fact that I was there for both of my children’s births but also for the fact that my wife did not have to get off the bed and kill me (though secretly I suspect she thought about it).

I have, when coming face to face with first time fathers, tried to imparted some wisdom that I have learned along the way. No one bothered to share this insight with me, and thus, I learned the hard way of what to do and what NOT to do. The irony of all this will be that long after the delivery is over your wife will forget every bit of what had transpired in that room but you, my friend, will be left with the memory of what you saw.

1. STAY CALM!

It’s not just good advice given to readers of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy but also when labor actually begins.

2. Keep an eye on the monitor.

While in delivery they will hook your wife up to a machine(s), one purpose of this will be to monitor her contractions. Usually there is a screen that will show the “intensity” of the contraction – THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT: ALWAYS KEEP AN EYE ON THAT NUMBER. The higher the number, the stronger the contraction. This will be very important to be aware of… as you will see.

3. Always keep your face, neck, and “personals” at a safe distance.

This especially becomes true as the number climbs on the monitor. She will become Mr. Hyde incarnate.

4. Don’t eyeball the clock.

If you feel the need to see what time it is don’t do it while she’s looking at you. If she asks what time it is then tell her but your constant staring at the clock will only remind her that everything she’s going through for the next several hours is YOUR fault.

5. NEVER under ANY circumstance ask how she’s doing.

This includes any variation of said statement.

“Is there anything I can do for you?”

“How are you feeling?”

These questions will only serve to further irritate her – it is, after all, your fault she’s in this predicament. Sure, your natural reaction will be to try and help – but you can’t so shut up and hang on.

6. Avoid eye contact.

Ever heard the old saying, “never look an angry dog in the eyes”? Well, there’s the angry dog on the bed! Save yourself when you notice the contractions and look away – far, far away to your happy place.

7. Never giver her your hand to squeeze during her contractions.

I’m sure I’ve seen this crap in movies but they’re such liars. During a contraction she becomes the Incredible Hulk on CRANK. Stick to Rule #3.

8. WHATEVER YOU DO – DON’T LOOK DOWN!!!

I love my children greatly and fully but if I had it do to over again I would NOT have watched them being born. Women may be able to watch videos of other children being born but I still have nightmares about mine. Do yourselves a favor and don’t look.

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I hope this provides some simple and basic help in your “experience”.

Cheers!

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